Five Ways to Kill: Halloween Special
by Blackwolf249
Summary: It's Halloween, a.k.a. Terror Time once again. This time we're giving one of the most toxic fanbases a piece of our minds. Rated M for minor cursing and MASSIVE amounts of violence


**Another day, another demonstration of how you don't want to die.**

 **Disclaimer: All characters are owned by their respective companies.**

* * *

Hi guys. Zachary here, and welcome back, to _Five Ways to Kill_. Well, Halloween is here, and that means the kills are going to once again be as bloody and gory as it gets.

So now, let's fire up the randomizer, and see who's going to fill this installment's bloodbath.

The Randomizer activates; when it stops, the monitor reveals that it landed on…

Twilight.

The crowd, which this time consisted of fans of _Underworld_ , _Hellsing_ , _Castlevania_ , _Dracula_ , _Twilight_ haters, and of all people, physiatrists and moviegoers, started booing at the monitor.

Ah yes. _Twilight_. One of the most overrated and despised forms of vampire fiction ever made. Not only did it stray too far from the archetypal traits we associate with vampires, but it did it in the worst possible ways. The sparkling in particular is a pointless eyesore, they overaccentuate their beauty, and Meyer forgot that even vampires bleed.

Everything else also doesn't work either. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are easy to detest. The "romance" is dull and predictable at best, disgusting at worst, since to quote Thaeonblade, it encourages all of the wrong things in a love relationship and celebrates them with a happy ending and a bow on top. The other characters are forgettable, and worst of all, THE STORY AND LORE ARE STUPID AND BORING!

However, I'm not going to kill this series, it's creator, Stephanie Meyer, or any of its characters. Instead, I'm going to humiliate her, by killing her rabid fans, known as "Twazis."

You see, there are four types of Twilight fans:

First is the standard classy, respectable fan. These are known as "Twilighters". Some of these Twilight fans enjoy other forms of Vampire-based fiction, such as _Castlevania_ and _Underworld_. They also understand that _Twilight_ **does** have flaws.

Next there's the ones that believe that _Twilight_ is the best, but a fair amount actually DO respect other people's opinions. These are called "Twihards".

Then there's "Twitards" who are even more defensive of the Twilight franchise than "Twihards". They get annoying, but there's still one type that's even worse.

Which brings me onto the subject of this episode, the "Twazis". I have heard dozens of nightmare stories about these brats.

These childish, immature turds are so obsessed with Edward and Jacob that anything they can compare to disliking _Twilight_ will trigger these cunts.

For example, a Twazi tried to cut open an Anti-Twilight group member's throat. Jesus! It's just a book!

Anyway, let's on with the five way to kill these horny, little creeps.

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 **Number 5: Chris and the Linear Launcher**

*The BSAA HQ*

A group of seven "Twazis" are tagging the walls with Anti-BSAA messages and Pro-Twilight messages.

"Hey!"

The groupie turns. Standing before them is **Chris Redfield, the B.S.S.A.'s Special Operations Agent.**

"I knew you girls were stupid, but I didn't think you were this stupid."

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU HATE EDWARD!"

"I'm not. You little freaks want to get closer to the undead?"

He pulls out the Linear Launcher.

"Here, let me give you a hand!"

Chris pulls the trigger sending a ball of Bluish-White electricity towards the groupie…

 **KA-WHOOOOM!**

The ball of electricity strikes the girls causing them to explode into a bloody mess, painting the celling and the walls red.

"Tell James and Victoria I said 'Hi'!"

* * *

 **Number 4: The Sheriff and the Valkyrie**

*A warehouse in Fabletown*

Two "Twazis" were standing back to back. facing them were **Bigby Wolf, the Sheriff of Fabletown** and **Laura Schwartswald, the Valkyrie of the Talbot Pack.**

"YOU MOTHERF**KERS! TWILIGHT IS THE BEST BOOK EVER! HELLSING IS EVIL! SERAS VICTORIA IS A MARY SUE!"

"Alright ladies, that's it. If you won't shut up, Laura and I will have to do it ourselves."

"You vant to see real verevolfs? Vell, get a load of **ZIS**!"*

The two transform into their respective werewolf forms and charge at the fangirls.

With one swipe of his massive talons, Bigby reduced one of the fangirls to ribbons. He then takes a deep breath and unleashes a gust of wind sending her into the air. Laura pulls seven knifes out of her coat and tosses them, hitting the girl in the arms, legs, shoulder, and waist.

As the fangirl hits the ground, Laura pulls out a short sword, leaps into the air, and plunges it into her head.

As she and Bigby stood up, they in unison, let out a victorious howl…

 ** _Later…_**

Bigby and Laura have just finished burying the remains of the "Twazis".

"Thanks for your help, Laura."

"It iz my pleasure, Sherriff."

* * *

 **Number 3: Dhampir Trifecta**

*A graveyard in Europe*

A Twilight Fangirl has tripped and fallen over a tombstone while making a futile attempt to escape her physically superior pursuers. Approaching her were **Eric Brooks, a.k.a. Blade, The Daywalker; Rayne, The Trump Card of the Brimstone Society; and Adrien Farenheit Tepes, a.k.a., Alucard, The Son of Dracula**.

Blade looked at the girl and smiled.

"You want have sex with vampires? Fine. FYI, my friends are what happens after that. I'm just a special case."

Alucard gives the fangirl a disappointed look.

"Even though Dracula has caused great destruction, he's still my father. Writers like your idol, give true vampires like him a bad name."*

Rayne nods in agreement before turning to the fangirl.

"I may not be the biggest fan of humans, but it's girls like you that really make me sick. Now it's time for you to suffer.

Alucard plunges his blade into the ground, charging it with hellfire. Simultaneously, Rayne pulls out her Carpathian Dragons, Blood Shot rounds preloaded.

Blade tosses several stakes at the fangirl, which pierce through her muscles and tendons. Next he kicks her into the air.

Alucard's cape splits into a pair of chiropteran wings.

Rayne opens fire with her Carpathian Dragons filling the "Twazi" with holes.

Finally, Alucard leaps into the air and does a downward slash, causing the girl to erupt into flames behind him.

"That's the end of that."

Blade smirks.

"You got that right, Alucard."

* * *

 **Number 2: Soma's Sparta Kick**

*Laconia, Greece*

A _Twilight_ Fangirl is standing behind a bottomless pit. Sanding before the fangirl is **Soma Cruz, The Reincarnation of Dracula**.

"You brought an inexcusable level of toxicity to my hometown."

He takes a step forward…

"You insulted my past life."

He takes another step forward…

"You threatened to enslave and kill Mina."*

He is now standing before the fangirl…

"Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, you little brat; maybe you should have done the same."

"This is ridiculous… This is MADNESS!"

…

"…Madness….THIS! IS! **SPARTA!"**

Soma kicks the girl into the bottomless pit…

"I always wanted to do that."

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Okay, before we get to number one, let's have a recap of the four kills we've seen so far….

 **5\. Obliterated by Chris Redfield and his Linear Launcher**

 **4\. Shredded and stabbed by Bigby Wolf and Laura Schwartzwald**

 **3\. Triple teamed by Blade, Rayne, and Alucard**

 **2\. Punted into a bottomless pit by Soma Cruz.**

And now, here's the moment you've all been waiting for; here's the number one way to kill the Twazis.

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 **Number 1: The Requiem of Gabriel Belmont**

*The throne room of Castlevania*

A groupie of nine "Twazis" were gathered in a circle, holding Anti-Castlevania signs. Standing in the center of the circle was **Gabriel Belmont, a.k.a. Dracula, The New Lord of Shadows**.

"BEGONE! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD, MONSTER!"*

Gabriel yawns and summoned his Void Sword.

"I will only say this once."

He raises the Void Sword into the air, creating a whirlwind of supercool air and freezing the girls into blocks of ice.

"Real vampires do NOT sparkle!"

He leaps into the air landing in front of the frozen fangirls and switches to his Chaos Claws. Gabriel smirks as he pulls back his right arm and charges as much Chaos Magic into it as he could.

"…We eviscerate."

He dashes towards the girls, fist first, shattering the girls into tiny, bloody pieces.

"I could have used the Talisman, but oh well."

* * *

And that's the five ways to kill the Twazis. I would like to thank Bigby Wolf, Soma Cruz, Alucard, Blade, Laura Schwartswald, Rayne, Chris Redfield and Gabriel Belmont for their contributions for this episode. You've all got your kill trophies, so now, is there anything that you would say before the show ends?

 **Chris:** Yup. Stephanie Meyer is a joke of a writer with no talent, whatsoever.

 **Laura:** Chris is right. Even ze Twilghters who can see ze flaws in ze books and novels, vere demonized by thoze pests.

 **Bigby:** I agree with you, Laura. And Zach, thank you for having me on this show.

You're welcome.

 **Blade:** Too true, Sheriff. Meyer doesn't deserve nearly half the number of fans she has.

 **Rayne:** You got that right, Blade; I had a blast filling that fanbrat. Also, I was able to get the girl's skull. I think I'll keep it as a trophy to commemorate my participation in this episode.

 **Alucard:** Do as you must, Rayne.

 **Gabriel:** All that is left to say is that we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, young man.

Well, if that's all you have to say, then that concludes this special edition episode of Five Ways to Kill! I'll see you next time, but until then, this is Zachary Shields, signing off.

* * *

 **And there you have it another episode of Five Ways to Kill.**

 **Trivia:**

 **-I got the names of the types of Twilight fangirls from a video on YouTube.**

 **-I hope I did a good job with Laura's German Accent.**

 **-Even though Dracula caused a lot of destruction, he's still Alucard's father, and he still loved him.**

 **-I had Soma use a retooled version of Leonidas' famous speech from _300_ since it would make sense for the fangirls to insult Dracula and threaten Mina.**

 **-Finally, I had the fangirls use the re-translated version of Richter Belmont's infamous line from** _Castlevania: Symphony of the Night_ **as revealed in the Reveal Trailer for Simon and Richter Belmont in** _Super Smas Bros: Ultimate_ **, since the original version was used in GSTSuperworld87's Halloween Special,** _Five Ways to Kill: "Vampires Suck"._

 **So that's it, I hope you enjoyed this entry of Five Ways to Kill. Next episode will be the Season One Finale. The victim... Let's just say it was inadvertently responsible for the death of a beloved Video Game series...**

 **Leave a comment; any positive feedback is appreciated.**

 **Until next time _...Happy Halloween..._**


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